New York City, October 24, 2016

★★★★ One building stood awash in coral light in the slow-arriving morning. Low sun raked the edge of the schoolyard, scintillating in the little chains by which decorations dangled from the backpack of a child who was dangling from the middle third of the tall chain-link fence, unsure how to go up or down. The sidewalk junction of the sun-blinded cross street and the dark avenue was impossible to smoothly navigate. The holly bathed in full reflected light; light came in straight and bounced straight back from the mirrored apartment to the west and glanced down from the side of the Apple Store, sending shadows radiating in multiple directions. The sidewalks were wide and clear and it was tempting, on the way to get something to eat, to keep walking. People were wearing autumn gray. A bulky parking sign with a neon arrow creaked and visibly swung overhead. The clouds were now shredded, now smooth, dense gray and white or warming to ivory and gold and finally, framed in the gap between the last and the current apartment towers, glowing like backlit parchment.

My married lover hasn’t contacted me in 11 weeks and I’ m still waiting

A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *ope for the best writes: I don’t know if every similar history starts the same way, but if so it means that a big number of women go by this path.It started on purpose, having fun no strings attached kind of relationship. And to have for sure the things i hoped or better said expected I went to the easiest way ‘the married men ‘. For a place where I live no strings attached relationships make you a whore. So the married man isn’t allowed to talk or spread the news for his own sake, and I for my own sake as a jealous freak won’t fall for him knowing he belongs to someone else. First I wasn’t interested in knowing who his wife was and how many children he had. Less information easier our relationship would be.I was meeting him through work but the chemistry between us was so obvious and you could see that there can happen something, even that he wasn’t the type of guy I would even date.So one spring day we went for coffee and we decided we are having the affair in the easiest way possible. When we’re free we will have fun together. There were rules, like I was not allowed to contact him, only he would do that and he will arrange our meetings. It was ok for me, I didn’t have to give him explanations where am I or what I am doing, I didn’t have to be there for him and things a girlfriend should do, we were simply having sex.The first time was ok, the sex not so great but the chemistry was up on the sky. I could not wait for the next time to meet him. So a week later he called and I was ready for it of course. We had really good sex , the best in my life! We were having fun and using each other (in a good way) the best way possible and the ‘no strings attached ‘ thing made it hotter. He was really careful on not letting anyone know and keeping his words even the small ones like ‘I will call you tomorrow’ which let me to other stage without knowing it. He called every three weeks on Saturdays and that was the way we kept our relationship, which was enough with some extra short phone calls 2-3 times a week.I started to stalk him on facebook and his wife I knew what was going around him, started analyzing his words and even could imagine his relation to his wife, I came to that point that I was sure how 1 day from morning to evening goes for him without even seeing or hearing from him anything.I fell for the married guy, I fell like never before and my days started and ended with him in my mind. I thought He was different! He kept his words, he liked me for who I am appreciated my presence and fullfilled my sexual needs. In theory that was all I needed. But, unfortunately my feelings were different and my needs were bigger I wanted him, all of him and only for myself! That was the only thing I wasn’t allowed to think or feel, and apparently I had forgotten the deal we had in the beginning, which he was strictly respecting.So here came the hurting times and not having the space to even show my feelings. Every time we said goodbye I kept thinking he is leaving me, he won’t call anymore, I felt he was distant, he kept slipping from my hands and could not accept the idea of loosing him.After six months the inevitable happened, he didn’t show up the week three, the magic Saturday. The day i was allowed to feel like I was the happiest fullest girl in the whole wide world. Than He called and we had the friends talk,he wasn’t planning to meet me. I was beginning to accept the end, but I was expecting for him to end it as we started it. Than we met, we had some office stuff to do! he told me that we should put ‘ours ‘ on stand by cause his wife was suspecting.. at some point I wanted to ask him if it was over, but I didn’t have the courage I was scared of his answer I didn’t want it to end, so with not so many words I agreed again. I was behaving according to our relationship agreement but contrary to what I was feeling! And that felt bad really bad.So here I am 11 weeks no meeting, no ending and yet waiting for my Saturday to come! I still wait for that Saturday phone call every week! Where to go from here?

View related questions: affair, facebook, jealous, married man

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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (26 October 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou’re at rock bottom so the only way to go is up. That’s the good news. The bad news is that your priorities and the way you think is utterly and completely messed up. You started by saying that you wanted a fun, no strings attached relationship and you thought a married man was the way to go. Really? That’s all you could think? Why are you so commitment phobic? And where exactly is your moral compass? You didn’t bat an eyelid thinking you were going to ruin someone’s life by sleeping with their husband just because YOU wanted to have some fun? Exactly what was so wrong with finding a man who wasnt taken? Unfortunately there’s nothing to be done now, for you at least. You reap what you sow and this is the price that you have to pay for your irresponsibility. He’s not leaving his wife for you but you already knew that from day 1. He’ll go back to his old life, possibly find a younger girl in a couple of years to have some more fun with and you’ll be nothing to him. Don’t expect something that starts with a big zero to add up to anything. Even if your Saturday comes, it’ll be a mirage, an illusion. Don’t expect it change anything or for anything to change. It’s hard to feel sympathy for you but pity, yes. Please get your priorities right OP. Take charge of your life. Learn to live with dignity and love yourself because till now, you have just engaged in self-destructive behavior. Don’t ever think that you’re so smart that you’ll outsmart everyone else because in there process you’ll be the one who’ll fall flat in your face.

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A female reader, like I see it United States + , writes (26 October 2016):

like I see it agony auntOne more thing – no strings relationships sound great in theory but as you have discovered, they are much harder to maintain in practice. Because no two people are exactly alike, it’s almost inevitable that one of the partners has more difficulty than the other in keeping sex and feelings separate, and sooner or later someone gets hurt. Treat this like a learning experience, in that you’ve now found out FWB arrangements may not work so well for you after all. You could take this one of two directions – stick to one-night stands, where you never really have a chance to know the person or fall for them, or (better for your health, both physically and emotionally) wait for someone who’s actually free to commit to a relationship with you and worth making that kind of commitment to. Best wishes!

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom + , writes (26 October 2016):

celtic_tiger agony auntIt’s time to move on. Sad though you feel, nothing good ever comes out of having an affair. Someone will always get hurt, usually the *single* party.

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A female reader, like I see it United States + , writes (26 October 2016):

like I see it agony auntI think you are best served to treat this like a breakup, because that’s basically what it is; the arrangement you had with him has come to an end. As much fun as you two may have had together, it seems his primary concern was making sure his wife never found out about it. When she became suspicious, he must have decided that sneaking around simply wasn’t worth the risk any longer. He has gone no contact with you, and unfortunately your only choice is to accept that it is over and move on. You are a person, not a pastime, and you deserve far more than being someone’s every-3rd-Saturday phone call and waiting alone the rest of the time. In future don’t settle for less than you are worth, and you will find much greater happiness. Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016):

OP, I am curious. Can you clarify? Was your relationship with this married man 6 months long before he stopped calling?If so, it was very brief. Not much time for anything substantial to develop. It was just a fling.I honestly don’t think it was ever “no strings” for you. You were hoping all along it would become more than what it was: meaningless sex romps on the side. At least for him. Often it’s the woman who gets attached. The married man has everything he wants. You are just some icing on the side. You were game and he took advantage of you. In fact, you made it very easy for him by not causing waves. Not every woman would allow it. He sniffed out the vulnerable one. The one with the weakest defences. Believe me, they know which ones to choose. They will not waste their time with women who know their worth. You are mistaken his desire for sex with love or caring about you. It is not the case. If it was not you who was available, it would have been another woman. You do not have the market cornered on the ability to meet his sexual needs. Sadly, nowadays it has never been easier to cheat with the advent of social media and the internet. So he probably has his pickings. It seems to me he was only out to explore sexual cravings and he did not connect with you and then the relationship progressed to sex. Sex is all it ever was, ever will be. It almost seemed like a business arrangement to me. You both knew the terms and conditions. Although I suspect you did not discuss what to expect if this business arrangement was terminated for any reason. He seems to have just bailed. And given you an excuse. No surprise there. He was and is a coward. No surprise there either as cheaters are usually cowards who are insecure and selfish. A man like this has made it clear from the beginning he wanted no emotional attachment to you. He was rarely in touch with you. He did not care how you felt. How your day was going. If you were happy or sad. What your favourite movie is or what other qualities you might have besides sexual availability. You needed an escape and he provided it. Now you are hooked on the feelings he brought out in you. And you are going through withdrawal. It is not him you are missing. It is the illicit sex which made you feel special and invincible. I think if he is out of the picture, you will find it again with a new man. Married or otherwise.I think this is what happened. His wife might have become suspicious and he cut it off. He found that the sex wasn’t that special. Even though you might have. He might have moved on to another woman who he likes better in bed and has better sex with. Or he may have connected more with another woman. The problem is you have no safety net. He used you and it looks like he moved on without a second thought to you or your feelings. 11 weeks of no contact is very significant. His actions speak loud and clear. It is over. It was over long ago. But you are hanging onto hope. This is not a way to live. To sit there waiting for him to call when he never will. I think you need to move on with your life. Look for a guy who will reciprocate your interest and feelings. He is out there. But you need to let this one go and accept that he is gone. Long gone. Sorry. ;(

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A female reader, Andie’s Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (25 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou want a man who would cheat on his wife? He doesn’t keep promises or he wouldn’t cheat. The same way decent people don’t start up affairs with people who aren’t single.You’ve seriously lost your way; not only are you pining after a man you can’t have, but you deliberately chose to aid in wrecking a marriage by looking for a married man to hook up with.OP, you’re avoiding the real issue here – your disregard for others. You’ll eventually find a decent man, but you need to be a decent woman first and that’s not how you’ve behaved.You let go and reevaluate your decisions. Karma exists and you need to make positive life changes, including making up for your poor decisions. Block him. Don’t talk to him at all, unless it’s work-related. Don’t go for married/taken men. Be respectful and considerate of others. Make your life better. Move on.

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